Zen Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either.
Pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. If you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Never make yourself irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when
you do criticize him, you're a mile away and you have his shoes.

9. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see him again, it was probably worth it.

12. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

13. They all seem normal until you get to know them.

14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half, and put
it back in your pocket.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. Duct tape is like "The Force"; it has a light
side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

17. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.

18. Generally speaking, you're not learning much when your lips are moving.

19. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it

20. Always remember that you're unique, like everyone else.

21. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.